Anonymous asked this question on 4/26/2000:
Dear doctor, On the outside, people would say I have it made. I'm a 50 yo feminist, holding a top job in Govt, am considered intelligent,got a Ph.D mid career in the U.S., am married to a person who is equally well placed, have 2 sons, one of whom is your ideal son, a doctor to boot. And I'm not happy. Mornings are the worst, I feel lumpy and exhausted, hate the thought of going to work. Things get better by midday. I'm currently in a job I hate but the thought of a change makes me feel I can't cope. I'm Hindu, living in good old India and feel so distanced from my gods and my faith. It may explain why my husband and I are still together even though we have not been intimate for 12 years-my decision but he's never tried to talk me out of it. We relate O.K. now that there's no intimacy between us.I still feel anger, its the only emotion I really "feel", resentment that my credentials don't count in this corrupt country. I'd really like to feel nothing at all, but somehow, that's not possible. My younger son is a wayward young man and I worry about him a lot. I have at least 5 ailments of which asthma and glaucoma have adversely shaped my attitude. I sound a real mess! Age is another factor- I've wasted my life but then many people won't agree. I've been on Prozac off and on: it helps to make me function but doesn't bring joy into my life. Doc, I read that stuff about lists etc that you ask patients to do. Would it really help? Would anything? Death scares me, so I'm not suicidal. Sumi
karunap gave this response on 4/26/2000:
It sounds like you have already got a copy of the list of things I often suggest people do. Yes.... they really help. A great deal of depression is due to stuffing anger inside.... you can see how toxic it is. The forms of anger work that help the most are the physical ones.... like hitting a pillow or your bed. Ask your body what form of anger work it would like to do and then see how you can formulate a piece of work with that energy in mind. For instance it may want to hit, push, pull, tear things up..... etc.
I spend part of every year in India. One potential form of anger work that can occur easily there is using a washing stone and focusing on anger when you slap the clothes against the stone.
If you focus on getting anger out of your body 15-60 minutes a day I think you will really notice the difference inside.
I suggest you find a therapist as well..... one that does not focus primarily on medicating their clients. I know India has a large transactional analysis group. Maybe you could work with one of their therapists. Try to find someone however that will also helpyou in releasing all of the anger.
I know what you mean by corrupt. And the inefficiency and "red tape" is enough to infuriate anyone. India has a wealth of strength however. I am a devotee of Mata Amritandandamayi... Ammachi. I know being around her both brings up the anger... so it can come out... and provides the opportunity to fill up with love. I know they have a Indian web site now but I don't know what it is. The US web site is www.ammachi.org I suggest you be around her or some similar teacher who can respark your spiritual self. Let me know if you want more info.
I think it is important to ask yourself what lessons you are supposed to be learning from this life time... and also to remember that if you don't learn them now you will get them back again. That will help give the motivation for stepping forward.
So... use the list you have seen me send to others. Let me know if you want me to send it directly to you. Read the books I have suggested with that list too if possible. Also, if you are interested I have written a book that combines spiritual and psychological process GETTING TO JOY: A WESTERN HOUSEHOLDER'S SPIRITUAL JOURNEY WITH MATA AMRITANANDAMAYI. The second edition is coming out next month.
You can get through this. It is worth the time, money and energy it takes to do the work. Get the help you need!