Anonymous asked this question on 4/23/2000:

I have suffered through and thought I had regained my mental health after two long episodes of severe clinical depression in l992 and l994. I took early retirement in 9/91 at age 62, and soon recognized that something was wrong with my mental health. It was NOT due to retirement, it was due to my husband who was a manic-depressive, and was in a very manic condition at that time, and also because my best friend of 20 years told me she had inoperable cancer. We were very close and supportive of each other as long as I can remeber. She became sicker and sicker, and died a miserable death in 9/92. I lost my friend and her generous support. From the time I heard she had cancer, and observed her long suffering, I was in deep depression, and wasn't much good to anyone or myself. Professionals helped get me through this lst depression. Then in late spring of 1994, I recognized that I was again in another depression. At this time, I moved down to another state to be with my daughter and family. My husband reluctantly moved down with me (I really didn't want him to). Professionals helped me again. By the lst of 1996, I felt normal again. For the last year or two, it seems sometimes I am in some form of depression. I find myself in tears (in private, or on the phone with my two children who I sometimes have an disagreement with) I sleep very late in the AM..sometimes up to 1:00 or 2:00 p.m. even. I do that when I don't have anything to do that day but household work. I do stay up late at night till l:00 watching TV etc.-but I don't know if that's an excuse to sleep so late the next morning. I have taken the anti-anxiety pill, name of Clonzepam for at least the last 6 years, now prescribed by my MD who's well aware of my problems. That has always pretty well assured me of a good night sleep. Yes, I am addicted, like I' addicted to a good night's sleep. This frequent crying of mine, when I feel down about something, and sleeping just about everyday so late makes me wonder if I'm in a state of depression. I am 71 years old now. I do volunter work twice a week and "babysit" my 4 and 8 year old granddaughters often. I am fairly active, have a few good friends, but not like the one I had that died. I miss a friend like that. I sure wish she was still alive, but she's been gone for 8 years now, and I've adjusted to that by now. My husband did not allow me to grieve for her normally. He made fun of me and told me to pull myself by my boot straps. He died 1/98. He was in a nursing home for 3 years..while I was in a depression, and I thought I became well again. I could write a book on all this, but I better quit, and ask you what you think, advice, whatever. Am I still in some phase of depression?. I'll be taking Effexor the rest of life. I have cut down to l pill a day, when I use to take 2. Maybe I should go back to 2. Thanks.

addcoachkelly gave this response on 4/25/2000:

Hi,

I can't say for sure that you are in a depression or not, but having experienced major depression all of my life, (I am 32 now) it seems to me that this could be a possibility.

Sometimes there are varying degrees of depression so during the times you felt "normal" ..perhaps those were just lulls in your depression.

I have found that with depression, it is so insidious and can be so chronic, that the best way to really get it to go away is with medication AND some form of therapy. What the therapy will do is help you to do things from allowing your mood to slip. Those of us with depression that severe tend to be negative thinkers, especially when negative things happen to us.

As well, you have had several of the major stresses in your life recently. My father recently died of cancer after suffering for a long time as well, so I completely understand how you feel about your friend. Dealing with cancer and an extended illness of a loved one like that is very difficult at best and many many people get depressed as a result. That's not even taking into account the lack of support your husband gave you. I found cancer to be particularly difficult to deal with because I was MAD...mad as hell..but I didn't have an outlet for it. I was mad at something intangible and I had no control over the course it took. That left me feeling mad and helpless. When you feel that way for a long time, you sort of get used to it and don't realize it's there and it eats at you. So, maybe you need to look at those kinds of things in regards to your friend. Are you still angry? I know I am in regards to my dad. I'm angry because it isn't fair that anyone should suffer like that..and so on. A wise person once told me when I said I was mad but didn't know who to be mad at to be mad at God because he was big and he could take it. It did give me somebody to rant and rave to.

Now, the other thing that I am sure has taken it's silent toll on you is all those years of living with someone abusive. Whether or not he hit you, if he demeaned you and made you feel like you were worth less than you are, then it is abuse. Living with someone like that takes its toll on your self esteem. As well, you tend to lose yourself.

What I have done is I have started to be a little selfish. I do things for me, just for me that give me pleasure. I take time every single day to do a hobby or craft or call a friend...something that is going to make me feel good.

I also know that depression can fluctuate with the weather, literally, as well. So, on sunshiny days, I make sure I spend a lot of time outside, even if it is just reading a book.

Depression also has secondary effects that can make it worse as well. When you are depressed, you tend to not eat and sleep right..you mentioned that. When you don't eat and sleep right, your coping skills are greatly reduced and that leaves you vulnerable. And that can lead to a worsening of the depression. So, what I do is faithfully take a multivitamin every day and make sure I eat one square meal a day..with all the food groups.

Excercise can do wonders for how you feel too. Excercise causes your body to produce endorphins, which are your own natural pain killers. And, I believe they kill all kinds of pain, even emotional pain.

Sometimes though, even a short walk can help tremendously.

At the age of 71, it's not entirely unreasonable to suspect that perhaps there could be something physical going on causing this as well, so it would be a good idea to perhaps get a physical..and especially before starting an excercise routine.

Part of the fight against depression is changing the way you think. I have been told that selfish people are depressed. And, this is absolutely not true. I have found that UNselfish people are depressed because they tend to others and care for others at the expense of themselves. You can't keep all those things bottled up for so long and not expect something to happen.

So, by changing the way you think, I mean to become a little more selfish. To learn to say no if you don't feel up to something. To stop and take note of things around you...listen to the birds sing, to smell the aromas of spring, to listen to a song and just give your attention to that song and lose yourself in it. This requires that you think enough of yourself to realize that you are deserving of these pleasures. You have to recognize when you are becoming overloaded with things and know to take time for yourself to get a grip. And, to have the strength to insist upon these things because in order to be good to anybody else, you have to be good to yourself first.

And, when you feel that you are slipping into a depression or it is becoming out of control, then seek the advice of your doctor immediately so he can adjust your medication so all of this can become much easier.

This has turned into a very long answer but I felt that it couldn't be answered in a couple of sentences, so, I hope you were able to stay with it. If you'd like, you can feel free to email me at kelly11477@aol.com.

Kelly

The average rating for this answer is 5.

Anonymous rated this answer a 5.

This Xpert gave me more insight into depression than any others, although I liked a few of the other answers I got. But Kelly really took time to give me many insights into depression that I could apply to my current condition and that of the past. I had thought there was only one degree of depression...the serious clinical depression, like I had twice. I was begining to think there were different levels..now after reading Kelly's letter, I know there must be. I thank her(?) for the advice.