Anonymous asked this question on 4/10/2000:
I am a 28 yr. old professional. I had not been in touch with my father for 17 years. My mother left him after he had brought a mistress into our home. I have suffered depression spells ever since. My father and I were very close before my mother left him. Recently, I contacted my father with the intention of trying to let go of the past. He is no longer with his mistress; however, they have a son. My father has a relationship with this son. I would like my father to be in my life; however I cannot tolerate to have a relationship with this son nor the mother. I'm angry because I lost my father for so long, and suffered; and now I'm expected (by my father) to accept this relationship. What can I do? , I am a 28 yr. old professional. I had not been in touch with my father for 17 years. My mother left him after he had brought a mistress into our home. I have suffered depression spells ever since. My father and I were very close before my mother left him. Recently, I contacted my father with the intention of trying to let go of the past. He is no longer with his mistress; however, they have a son. My father has a relationship with this son. I would like my father to be in my life; however I cannot tolerate to have a relationship with this son nor the mother. I'm angry because I lost my father for so long, and suffered; and now I'm expected (by my father) to accept this relationship. What can I do?
genea gave this response on 4/19/2000:
Dear anonymous: I can try to give you some advice, but was wondering how old your half-brother is? Also, is you father aware of your reluctance in having a relationship with this son?
Simply based on what you've written, though, I would strongly recommend that you start by spending time with your dad, and only your dad. No siblings, friends, or anyone else. Make a lunch or dinner date, go out for coffee, sit in the park & watch the sunset together. As your relationship with your dad gets stronger, you might just find yourself more willing to accept the son he had with his mistress.
It's also very important that you let your father know how you feel about accepting this child. Please set up some emotional boundaries and do not, under any circumstances, let your father to cross them. In other words, don't allow him to force his other child on you. If he's truly interested in having you back in his life, he will accept your reluctance and perhaps help you adjust.
Joint counseling is also an option, whether you do so right away or wait and use it as a last resort. Good luck. I hope everything works out for you.
genea
Anonymous asked this follow-up question on 4/19/2000:
Thank you so much genea for making time to try to help me. That means a great deal to me. What I did not mention in my original description is that I got in touch with my Dad 2 years ago; and have been struggling with him ever since. His son at that time was 15 years old and I was 26 years old. My Dad at first accepted my adverse feelings to having a relationship with his son. I actually had panic attacks whenever I heard his voice or his mother's voice on my Dad's answering machine. I lived with my Dad for those 2 years while I was going to school. That was his idea of me moving in with him. I accepted to live with him because he felt genuinely bad on how things ended with my mother and myself. He really wants to make peace with me; however, my Dad does not understand why I feel so threatened whenever I hear them calling him for something. What can I do? I've since graduated, and have moved out of the house. We still keep in touch, but I still have them in the back of my mind.
genea gave this response on 4/19/2000:
Ok, this changes some things. I would strongly recommend that you get counseling. Going to a therapist does not mean you're "crazy" or "weak". It simply means that you have some issues that you need help dealing with. I'm not a psychiatrist (and I don't play one on TV either, lol), but my guess would be that since your dad has "abandoned" you once for his mistress, deep down you may feel that he will walk out of your life again (because of the son) if you open up completely to him. A therapist could help you cope with this insecurity, if it exists.
In the meantime, have you tried spending some on-on-one with your half-brother? Nothing drastic, maybe start with some email. I'm guessing he's now 17 and maybe he could use your insight and experiences in his own life about school, girls, etc. Also, continue to make the most of your time with your dad. If you do decide to go for counseling, hopefully he would be supportive enough to attend with you once in a while.
genea
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