maude76 asked this question on 4/20/2000:
In response to your question about the kind of typical interaction between parent and child, let me give you an example; 4 year old son said I'm not feeling very well, father responded by saying "Don't worry, I'm feeling fine." In case it's not clear, the father didn't listen to what the child said, instead was focused on himself, and assumed the 4 year child was also concerned about how the father was feeling. It is typical of this father to not listen to the remarks and comments made by his children. Also when he does talk to them he usually refers to himself in the context of the conversation. I realize this may be a little vague. I will try to describe other incidents of narcissistic behavior as we continue to communicate if that's all right? Thanks, David
Imhere2listen_help gave this response on 4/20/2000:
ok, if this is the typical behavior, before the children get any older, he needs to get some help, and no, in my opinion, can he be a good parent. In order to be a good parent, in my opinion is to look at your children's needs before your own. The example you gave me, is not a good one. I know someone who has this problem, and I allowed him to run me into the ground, when I was happy, and then I had to fight my way back. I"m an adult who has studied the dynamics involved with this kind of situation. A 4 yr. old does not understand. I think that the child needs to be told that the parent has problems, to reinforce that the child is worthwhile and loved, and that it is not the child who needs help. If someone doesn't get this across with a lot of love to the child, you're going to see two people with damaged emotional problems. If you want to write back, please do so. I'll be more than glad to help you out in anyway I can, but the child is the #1 priority. Make sure before anything goes any father that while you can not over compensate for the parent's behavior, if you explain it to a child, and let the child know it's not his problem, and that it's not his fault, you have a much higher chance of seeing the child to grow up emotionally healthy. Of course this is just my opinion. I'm not a doctor, but I do understand children, and I believe that I do understand very well how a lot of thought processes develop. If you wish to talk again, please contact me. I'll be here.
maude76 asked this follow-up question on 4/20/2000:
OK, let me give you a little more detail. This person is my husband, and we are in the middle of a very nasty divorce. To complicate matters, we are still living in the same house. We have three children, ages 6, 4, and 4 1/2 months. My husband has been seeing a therapist for over a year, and to my knowledge he has not been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality disorder. It was actually my attorney, who was trained as a psychological social worker before she went into law, who suggested that my husband may have NPD. I am concerned because if a therapist doesn't diagnose him as such, it will not be considered as relevant to custody decisions. I know that the judge in our case takes the diagnosis of NPD very seriously but obviously he has to be diagnosed first. How can I help the children when he will almost certainly have custody of them for some percentage of the time?
Imhere2listen_help gave this response on 4/20/2000:
If I have my information correct, because he is seeing a therapist, you can have the judge choose a "neutral" therapist to assess him, to see if he has NPD. The best thing you can do, especially with the divorce happening as well, is to talk to your children. The 6 year old and the 4 year old, in my opinion, will feel much better if you talk to them because too often adults don't realize the capacity a child has to comprehend things. They pick up on emotions, and they need to know you love them, that their dad has a problem where he seems to think about himself more than them. It's not their fault, because their dad loves them, but he has a problem and you can't fix it. However, you can also tell them, how much you love them, that you are there for them when and if they are feeling bad or want to ask questions, because you know this is hard on them, and it's sad but life isn't fair. The faster a child learns life isn't fair, I believe the better off they are. I know parent's want to protect their children from the ugliness of bad situations, but take it from someone who was over protected, I saw my nephews go through a divorce when my sister split up with their father. She talked to them, like I'm suggesting you do, and they are more resiliant, and sensible, but terrific human beings. She always allowed them to talk if they needed, and she did not cut down their father but taught them what was going on throughout most of their lives, and I truly believe honesty, and the safety of your love, and knowing they can say how they feel, I believe is the best way to keep them healthy and not end up with the emotional problems that plague our children today. I hope this helps, check into the neutral therapist thing, I am sure that's allowed especially when he's being seeing a person on his own, that may tend to bias the person who he's seeing, so a professional diagnosis from a therapist that doesn't know him, gives you a much better chance at the dr. seeing if he is truly narcissistic. I hope this helps. Let me know if there is anything I can do.
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