Anonymous asked this question on 7/11/2000:

I'm seeing a girl I met several weeks ago. Several times I tried to "make a move" I have been rebuffed. She seems to like me (she keeps calling me and going out with me). Background...

I'm 34 and she's 28. We went to the same school though we only recently met through mutual friends.

Our second meeting she bumped into me at a local coffeehouse. We talked and I became interested in her (I like brainy girls). I asked if she wanted to see a movie later that week and she agreed. After more conversation she accompanied me to a diner for a late dinner. Not knowing if she was interested in romance, I didn't make any moves that night nor during the movie night. At the end of the second outing I did say I liked her and told her I'd like to make our relationship more like boyfriend/girlfriend. she agreed and hugged me goodnight.

Note: I recently lost 40-50 pounds and came out of a 7 year period of celibacy. Thus I'm new to dating and relationships (though I had several long-term relationships in high school and college).

For the third date I called her to see if she wanted to go on an informal picnic. She said yes and I got together some food since she was busy working late that day. A half hour after she was to show up she called and said she overlooked the time (she'd stopped at a female colleague's place to see a room rental). When she finally showed up I was a bit annoyed. We talked and decided to rent a movie and go to her place. There we sat next to each other and I put my arm on her shoulder. After two minutes she said she was uncomfortable with the arm. I was silent til the end of the video. Afterwards she explained the reason she reacted that way was because her first boyfriend (10 years ago!) had taken on another girlfriend after she dumped him! Also she is Chinese, (in US 2-1/2 years) and in China it can be months before people kiss! She said I'll know when to make a move by her "body language"...hmm

Our fourth date she was supposed to meet a friend and me at a pub. She was an hour late before I took off with my friend. By then I'd given up on her. But she calls me at 2 AM (!) and apologizes. She said she figured we were going to be there a while and parking was hard to find etc... The next day she called wanting to meet me and my friend somewhere (he was in town for several days). We told her we'd pick her up. That night went well.

By this time, she was arousing my curiosity with her back and forth behavior so I decided to ask her to dinner. I should note, we have a lot in common on a deep level and she claims she enjoys her time with me. We are about equal in looks, brains and background so there's no power disparity. The first few times we went dutch, and after I later paid for a meal she has since been eager to reciprocate (We both earn about the same).

Dinner date went well, I picked her up. I did chastise her for her pattern lateness. Not much else happened that night except our typical fascinating conversation.

My female roommate had been following the saga and thought this girl was indeed interested in me but that I should "assess the status of the relationship" by asking the girl. I decided to switch gears and instead of being cool I would be romantic. Got her a great set of flowers and took her to an Italian restaurant. She seemed very flattered but cool as usual. Walking around a lake afterwards she was explaining how different American and Chinese dating ways are and she mentioned the kind of features she likes in a guy, that guys should not be too "soft" or "hard". Asked to elaborate, she described Harrison Ford as just right. I took it to mean she thought I might be soft (reformed hopeless romantic nice guy) but she implied that I was fine. End of the night I still had no answer on the state of the relationship, just vague clues.

Tired of clues, I decided to not call her anymore.

After she went away that weekend with friends she called me to see if I wanted to see July 4th fireworks with her. I mentioned I was going to a BBQ- she thought that was cool so I reluctantly agreed w to bring her along. As we walk the park she complains that I shouldn't have been so annoyed with her about being late twice. I thought this was strange.

As the fireworks started I decided to put my arm around her waist to see her reaction. She pulls away and we don't talk the rest of the event. Going to the car, she starts on about how guys with deep voices and muscles turn her on and she never had chemistry with her previous boyfriends though she'd had long relationships with them. Asked why her last boyfriend and her took six months to consummate their relationship she said he had threatened to leave and she didn't want to lose him as a friend. She also said thay'd had the best sex together. The night devolved into negotiation about when and if we should do it. She said her parents always fight and I told her that was why I suspected she was standoffish about physical intimacy. She also said she was confused about the relationship. After some talk about how she cared about me and was concerned a physical relationship might change things, I implied that I didn't need any more female "friends". She said she'll think about what she wants while I'm away (for 10 days in Connecticut).

My roommate (relationship authority) is as stumped as me. I bid her a farewell by phone the day I left for Connecticut and asked if she had thought about what we talked about. She said "let's keep it the way it is". WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!?! As relationship or friendship???

Writing this I feel I should have dumped this nut after the third outing. Today she "accidentally" called me on my cell phone. Another female friend (a bigger relationship expert) says next time I should give her a huge smooch and see what happens.

I like the girl but I'm not hooked on her. Only because we seem compatible in so many ways have I been patient, but what is all this about??

Is she yanking my chain? Lonely? (she has friends). Sadistic? Nuts? Egomaniacal?

-Perplexed

LadyMara gave this response on 7/12/2000:

Hello Perplexed...

Ever hear of culture shock? You said that she is Oriental? Chinese? You, I take it are American? An "Occidental" by her standards, and most likely garden variety "caucasian"? I mean no disrespect, but you are assuming that there must be something wrong with her because she is not moving at the speed that you understand.

If you care about her it might help to look up a little bit about the culture that she was raised in. Even if her parents were born here, there is a good possiblity that they were raised with at least some of the old world attitudes.

I would pull back on the physical stuff and show her respect as SHE is used to...not as Americans are used to.

I come from a multicultural/multiracial background and find it difficult to reconcile American values...or rather what I sometimes perceive as a lack of values with the way I was raised. Coming from an Asian perspective, she might be ostracised by family for the behavior that she has already allowed!

The only thing that your so-called expert has said that I agree with was to ask your lady friend. Now...did you notice what I called her? "lady friend"!! She is a lady... treat her like one.

Many cultures do not believe in public displays of affections or sexual activity before marriage or at least before a formal engagement has been declared...YES!! Even in the year 2000! Now, you can disagree with that all you want...but the truth is, you might very well be dealing with someone who has a totally different value system with regard to dating and sexual freedom thanyou have. And no, it does not matter if she has been with a man before. Prior marriage, or a "mistake" that she is willing to admit to you, but possibly NOT her family does not make her a loose woman! If you have any love or respect for her at all I would find out exactly WHAT she believes before you or someone you know labels her!! That is totally disrespectful, and you could lose her if you push the issue!

Yes, I know you said that you were being paitent, but men are NOT very noted for their patience when it comes to waiting for sexual gratification..... You can "lay down the law" all you want to and state what you think should be or not be, but that won't do you much good nowadays. Many woman will lose a man in a heartbeat for telling her what she will and won't do! Especially this early in a relationship.... Have some respect for her culture! If you can't handle it dating, how could you handle it if you married? Asian families are NOT distant. They are very very close and involved in each other's lives. A smart person will NOT try to alienate her family by making her choose between their values and his! So, don't go there at all!! EDUCATE YOURSELF!!!

Stop trying to analyze her. Ask her what she feels and believes. Analyze yourself .... ask why you feel compelled to push things? If she wants to move slower...for whatever reason....if you love and respect her, what is the problem??? You said you are not hooked on her.... Well, there is also the possiblity that she only wants committed relationships. Perhaps she knows that you are not that serious about her??? I do not get sexually involved with men casually either. Perhaps she believes that you need to have some sort of committed relationship going before you should consider it? Only one way to find out! Ask her!

I hope that this helps some... If you can learn how she thinks and feels you have a better chance of finding some common ground and a place to meet mentally!

Good luck, I will be praying for you both!

love,

LadyMara