Anonymous asked this question on 7/10/2000:

About a week ago I got a pus pocket on my tonsil and this worried me b/c I thought I might have gotten it from my boyfriend. But it ended up we had different things, anyhow, when I went online to find out what I might have had I came across a website describing things you can get from kissing. Anything from mono to colds, etc. I started to worry. Me and my boyfriend don't french kiss b/c I have a thing about a tongue in my mouth but we do open our mouths some to kiss which lets some saliva out which has germs which I can get etc. etc.

So I told him about this and told him that we should just kiss by doing regular pecks or pecks that last a little longer, just as long as we don't open our mouths too much and get a lot of spit on each other. I told him that every once in a while we would do the open mouth kisses, but we need to cut back on them b/c I was afraid of getting something and it's not really my favorite kind of kiss anyway b/c it makes me feel kinda dirty(I guess getting tonsilitis, even if it wasn't from him woke me up about things you can get from guys). Well, he is not happy about this. He agreed to the idea I had but didn't like it, so he then said "well let's do alot of little ones to make up for the big ones I'm not getting and we'll do the big ones every now and then". I figured this was fair enough so I agreed. Well, silly me thought that we were done discussing this.

Tonight he called me at 6 and then he said he was gonna eat and call me back and then he called back at 10. Well, then he said "I'm kinda tired". So I was like do you want me to let you go? And he said yeah as a joke and then said no. Then he goes on to say that he's cutting our talking hours back b/c he says it will interfere with his work if hes tired and if we talk too much then we won't have anything to talk about. Ok, this right here is how he kinda "gets back at me" by saying this crap he doesn't mean. You see, he's mimicking what I said about the kissing the night before. He tells me later that he was sitting around thinking about how he could turn that around to prove a point to me. But, me being very sensitive start to cry when he says all this because I lov---well, maybe I shouldn't say that, seems to be such a tricky word. Well, b/c I care about him and I wouldn't want to talk to him any less. And the thought that he would want to talk to me less tears me up. Well he figured out I was crying and said if he knew that I was going to start crying he wouldn't have said anything at all and that he was just joking about the phone thing. He goes on and on about the kissing thing though. I'm like, I thought he finished this last night and he said he's not happy with it.

I told him that he should respect it if it makes me feel uncomfortable and that we should not even be talking about it and he says "what about my feelings" and I say Eric, the point is I'm the one feeling uncomfortable. So we blah blah about that for a while and he is still not happy about it and eventually he got real quiet to where when I asked what he thought he would say nothing and that's how he ended talking about it. Then I told him that he forgot to say something to me when he made me cry. He was like what? I'm sorry? I said yeah....then I said well??? He goes well what? I said aren't you gonna say it? He said "I did". Then he not very sincerly says it again. Then I say Eric don't ever use my feelings again to prove a point, ok? And he says nothing. I say well? He says "what"? I say why didn't you say ok and he says "I did". Which is crap I don't understand what he means by that. He then finally said ok. But anyway, what's the big deal with the kissing, people? Am I wrong or what?

On to the next problem...Right before we say goodbye he says "I love you" and I never say this b/c various reasons so I go to say "well" and he says "what?" I then say that I come real close to saying it alot of the time and want to say it. He says well why don't you then. He says "Brandi, give it up, you aint' never gonna say it, it's been a year and a half and you've never said it. Everyone knows that after a year and a half if you don't say it then you never will. Besides, one time I tried to get you to say it just as like friends would and you wouldn't even do that. Right then I knew that you'd never say it. Why would you say it now anyway? What changed? I haven't changed within the last year, what did I do to make you want to say that? And what's with this "sometimes I really want to say it" stuff? What the hell is that all about."

I then go on to tell him that I feel like saying it now b/c I just feel like it. This offends him. I also tell him that he proved one of my fears of telling him which is that I was afraid that if I told him that he wouldn't be happy, he would just drill me like you are reading above. I tell him that he almost sounds like he doesn't want me to say it. Which doens't make sense b/c he always tries to get me to say it and he says he tried just last week so why now would I be saying it. I tell him maybe he tried too hard and he's not trying as hard now, so I am feeling differently. It's like he wouldn't even be happy if he heard I love you. I don't get it. If he's that unhappy with this relationship and doesn't really expect me to say I love you then why is he in it. He said I haven't said it for this long so I won't say it from now on.

I am 20 he is 24, I am a virgin, he is not and has been with 2 partners. I choose to wait until marriage which will not be anytime soon. His stand on marriage is that he does not want it anytime soon. He accepts how I am with this and does not care.

for some reason when I am around him and he drops me off I don't want him to go, I just want him to keep holding mein his arms. I love to watch him smoke a cigarette and the way he stands, listening to him talk, the way we hold a conversation, the way we argue all that is so attractive to me. And for some reason he is more and more attractive to me. lately I have been coming up behind him when he is leaning over on his truck and I put my hands on each side of his shoulder and rest my head on the middle of his back. I just want to hug him up or something. When I'm talking to him on the phone I'm constantly thinking "I love you" or "awe you're so cute" and crap like that. IS this normal, what's the deal with me? Give me all your advice, personal experience, etc. Lord knows I need it. It's hard to talk to my mom about it lately b/c I think she would freak if she found out I was saying I love you to my boyfriend. She thinks that is way serious and involves total commitment and she is scared of that for me. Which in turn scares me and is part of the reason why I won't tell him. He says he doesn't know what I'm talking about b/c nothing will change. He's acting all weird about it now though. I feel embarrassed. Help!

MarieMc gave this response on 7/10/2000:

I respect your stance on staying a virgin until you're married good for you. On the other hand, I think you're being severely paranoid about not kissing your boyfriend. I know you can get stuff this way. But you might as well build yourself a bubble because guess what, you can get a cold by being in a mall or a grocery store too, you can get the flu, airborn viruses. They're all communicable and you can get them all by being in public places. So now what? I'm just imagining how rejected your boyfriend felt when you planned out your kissing regime. Honestly don't his needs matter at all? I have been thinking about this for a long time and I don't get where you're coming from on this at all. You don't tell him that you love him, now you've told him that when you kiss it can only be pecks. Can you honestly sit there and tell me that you think you make your boyfriend feel valued in this relationship? I don't mean to be hard on you hon, but you're being really selfish. When you're in a relationship, the thing to do is to decide things as a couple regarding your relationship, you've told him how it's going to be, and after that when you were talking to him, he voiced some frustration about you not saying that you love him, and you tried to make him feel bad about that, he has feelings and he's allowed to vent them just like you're allowed to vent yours. It sounds like you thrive on conflict and I think that's a dangerous way to live your life, he's going to get tired of all this, there is a girl out there who will show him affection (not sex), and reciprocate everything that he's putting into the relationship. I'm sorry if I was hard on you Brandi but honestly this guy loves you, and you're pushing him away, physically and mentally, how long before he's had enough and walks? You should sit down and let him voice everything about the relationship that bothers him, and just listen to him, don't talk, don't interject, just listen to him vent, ask him to be honest, and tell you what he really thinks, where he sees the two of you going, how he feels when you make kissing rules and don't tell him you love him, then listen without defending your behaviour and think about what he's told you, if it's not anything that you feel you can change about yourself, then let him go and find someone who is going to value him, he deserves that. Best to you, Marie

The average rating for this answer is