Dear venerable makers and packagers of Divine Tin-Plated Spam,
I represent the One True Church of Spam, that wholly divine Meaty and Tasty armored manna given unto us by God's regency here on Earth, Hormel Foods. We have Spameries (churches) throughout this planet and all other planets in the solar system (hence the name Sol-System-Wide Church of Holy Spam).
It has come to our attention that there are several reprobate, false little Spamian scum who claim to be the Real One True Church of Spam. Please be advised that they are the tool of the Anti-Spam, General Foods. They are false deceivers out to destroy Spamianity with their mendacity, prevarication, fabrication, and naughty fibs! If any so-called church purporting to be the Real True Honest-Please-Believe-Us Church of Spam contacts you, don't believe them! They aren't: we are!
And we'd like you to officially recognize and endorse us as such. We are the Real, True, Honest, Would-We-Lie-To-You? Original Holy Church of Spam. Whatduhyah say?
To show our divine, blind, thoughtless devotion to Holy Spam, we have set upon a course of Holy Fatwa, Jihad, and Crusade to rid the Earth of the Anti-Spam, General Foods. We thought this would please you. No, really. Effective immediately, all production facilities belonging to the Anti-Spam, General Foods, will be subject to our Holy Wrath: first picketed, then purchased from them in Holy Hostile Takeover, and finally, once we own each facility legally, burned to the ground. We will then jump on the ashes, again and again, chanting the Holy name of Spam. One day the evil Anti-Spam, General Foods, shalt be purged from the whole of Earth and the entire Solar System! Amen.
I remain, as always, your devoted instrument in spreading the Word Of Spam throughout the World, this particular star system, and one or two others in the immediate neighborhood.
(signed) Spmnd Shy David, Esq.