I received, from a complete stranger at school, a bracelet inscribed with "WWJD?". The person who gave it to me was part of one of those "Campus Ministry" groups, I suppose, but the gift made me think -- What WOULD Jesus Do? Apparently these items are supposed to remind you when you're trying to make a decision to consider what Jesus would do in that situation -- sort of a short-cut to moral choices, using JC as a role model. I figured I'd give it a try.

I was walking towards the Stanford Hospital on my way to the cafeteria last week when I saw an elderly woman walking by wearing dark glasses and holding a white cane before her.

I asked myself, "What Would Jesus Do?" Moved with compassion, I spit on the ground, scooped up some dirt-saliva mud, and rubbed it in her eyes. She immediately began screaming at me and trying to wipe away the irritating dirt and spittle. Then a hospital security guard came over and I ran away.

Figuring it wasn't safe to go to the cafeteria (the guard, at least, would be able to identify me), I went over to one of Stanford's many decorative gardens in order to grab some oranges or something. Of course, it being October, there were no oranges on the tree. Thinking "What Would Jesus Do?", I cursed the tree, saying that never more would it bear fruit.

I'm not really sure how that helped, or if it worked. We'll see. But the worst thing about this was last week, when my mom's friend Ernie died. I was at the funeral, and I saw all of Ernie's family all sad and crying and stuff, and I thought "What Would Jesus Do?" I got up from my seat, walked up to Ernie's coffin, and said in a loud voice, "ERNIE, COME FORTH". Nothing happened, so I said it again, even louder, "ERNIE, COME FORTH!". Ernie, being dead, failed to come forth, but his family got really mad at me. Later my mom yelled at me and said I shouldn't go mocking Ernie's family and blaspheming and making fun of our religion and I said "I was just thinking What Would Jesus Do" so she said I better stop. Then I went home, ran the tub for a while, and got really freakin' hammered. Needless to say, I got the job.

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