PART 1: How Did I Ever Get Involved Posted 1-30-96 PART 2: My First "Reg Cycle" Posted 2-06-96

PART 3: My Ordeal Begins

NOTE

The events described in "My Story" may not be in the EXACT sequence they occurred. Often these events overlapped or even occurred simultaneously. Some are composites of a series of similar experiences. Often I wasn't even sure what was happening when it was happening, the chaos and confusion I experienced at the S.F. mission at 406 Sutter Street was THAT bad. Hopefully, however, I will be able to communicate the "essence" of my experiences so that you can see exactly WHAT they were doing and HOW they were doing it.

RATIONALIZING AWAY MY CONCERNS AND OBSERVATIONS

Even before my first day at the mission I had already started a pattern of behavior that was to prove very costly for me (both financially & emotionally), RATIONALIZING AWAY MY CONCERNS AND OBSERVATIONS.

For example the night my sister first contacted me she called up the mission and I overheard her say, "Will anyone be there to 'handle' Wayne tomorrow?" I thought, "That sounds a bit ominous, what do they think I am an animal." Unfortunately I just blew it off and said to myself, "Oh it must just be an expression, she can't really mean anything by it."

Then again on my first "reg cycle" Amy talked about me getting my self-determinism back and yet there she was pressuring me into signing up RIGHT THEN. She wouldn't even let me go home and consider her proposition or check out her claims. She wasn't letting me use my own self-determinism. I rationalized away this contradiction by telling myself that she pressured me because she really cared about me. After all didn't she just tell me that she was my friend and only wanted to help? At the time I WANTED a friend, I WANTED to be able to trust her. These are two natural instincts of mine.

This habit of rationalizing away my concerns was to be constantly reinforced by various staff members throughout my involvement at the S.F. mission. How many times was I to hear phrases like, "Wayne all your doubts are just your bank trying to destroy you." "Wayne that's just your bank, don't listen to it." "Don't worry about where the money's going to come from, your postulates (intentions) are superior to MEST (the physical universe)." "Don't listen to your bank, it's pretending to be pro-survival but it's really just trying to destroy you." "Just keep putting your postulate (and your money) out there and you'll make it up the bridge."

These types of statements were constantly fired at me, usually while I was under a lot of pressure, a lot of times while I was battling severe headaches. This high pressure environment often got me to rationalize away a lot of very VALID concerns that I had. As a result I did a lot of really stupid things. As I write about them all now I wish more than anything that I could go back and undo all the mistakes I made back then.

MY FIRST DAY OF "SERVICES"

My sister and I returned the next day. I was immediately brought into a back room and given some forms to sign. One of the forms I had to sign was a release form stating that I would never sue $cientology, any of its members, or even anyone connected to $cientology.

To this day I distinctly remember myself thinking, "Why would I ever want to sue them? They're here to help me. Why would I want to sue someone that's trying to help me?" I could think of no reason at the time so I GLADLY signed. When I handed the forms back to them it was like me telling them , "Hey, I trust you guys. We're a team now." When I signed those forms I REALLY BELIEVED that they were going to cure my physical injuries. I REALLY BELIEVED that once my physical condition was stabilized I would then be able to help others with the "tech" as well. I was excited. I wouldn't realize the full significance of this simple act of signing this form until 4 years later.

After all the forms were signed and handed over to them I was brought in for my very first "auditing session". I was told that I would be assessed to find out what needed to be handled. I thought," Great, it will be just like Boulder Creek where I would be able to talk about what was REALLY bothering me. From there we would be able to systematically take up each thing one at a time until they were all resolved, then I would be 'clear'." That was my understanding at the time.

I took my seat, got all comfortable and then picked up -- "THE CANS." I was instructed to take a deep breath and then let it out through my mouth. I was asked if I was tired. At this point, for the first time ever, I went into quite a bit of detail about my physical injury. Up to this time I'd never opened up to anyone about it. Now I wanted to keep everything out in the open so that it could all be handled. I felt they deserved my honesty about all this.

Once all these things had been taken care of the auditor looked me right in the eyes and said (in a loud voice), "THIS IS THE SESSION." She immediately started asking me questions like, "Are you a reporter? Are you here to investigate $cientology? Do you know anyone antagonistic to $cientology? Are you connected with anyone antagonistic to $cientology?" I quickly became perplexed. As these types of questions continued I began to get a little frustrated and I thought, "All I want to do is get better! All I want is get involved in something where I can help others!" These types of questions still continued. "Have you ever had any unkind thoughts of L. Ron Hubbard, Mary Sue Hubbard? Have you ever sued $cientology?" I began to think, "Why are they asking me all these questions? What have I done to make them distrust me already? Why are they so paranoid? After all they came to me, I didn't go looking for them." This type of interrogation lasted well over an hour ALL AT MY EXPENSE.

Finally the interrogation stopped. The questioning turned to me. I felt relieved. I thought, "Those must have just been standard questions they ask everyone. Now that we've gotten THEM out of the way we'll get to me and handle what I REALLY came here for." Instead, my auditor continued reading all her questions off the prepared lists that she had in front of her. Soon I again became frustrated.

You see, years before in Boulder Creek we always took up what I wanted to take up. Down there, for the first time in my life, I was allowed to share my REAL thoughts and feelings. I no longer had to suppress what was really going on inside. Because of that I was learning to take responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings and actions. As a result I became more able to control how I viewed and interacted with the world around me. Now, however, I wasn't being allowed to do that. Instead I always had to answer MY AUDITOR'S questions. I always had to take up what MY AUDITOR wanted to take up. I began to wonder how they were going to handle everything that I wanted handled if they NEVER EVEN ASKED ME.

Finally I asked, "Are you sure you guys are going to handle everything that I want handled?" After all they told me that this session was to assess what needed to be handled and I wanted to make sure they got everything down on paper. She replied, "Yes, everything eventually gets handled."

Despite my frustration I trusted her. After all didn't they tell me that this "tech" works on everyone 100% of the time? This reassurance of hers was to be the start of my endless "hoping." All the way up to the very end (4 years later) I would always be hoping, " Maybe that one next 'course', maybe that one next 'repair list', maybe that one next 'grade'."

The session finally ended and we went up to get an "examine." I was later to learn that the examine was just to make sure that nothing brought up in session was left "un-handled". I sat down and was told to pick up the cans. The examiner "Frank" was emotionless, very stoic. He didn't say a single word that wasn't absolutely necessary. He fiddled with the meter a bit then said, "Thank you, your needle's floating." I left and went down to wait in the bookstore lobby.

While I was waiting I overheard someone say that my auditor used to be at Flag (in Florida) but that she was kicked out because of ethics trouble. I thought, "That's strange, I thought $cientology was supposed to make people MORE ethical. I wonder what happened? " You know, I never saw her again after that day.

MY FIRST DAY "ON COURSE"

My sister accompanied me on my first day "on course." We walked up the three flights of stairs and entered the indoctrination (course) room for the first time. As usual she was all excited. She seemed genuinely happy that I had become involved in $cientology. Her attitude and enthusiasm was to be a major influence on some of my early decisions to be involved and (for quite some time) to stay involved. Later as I became more entangled other forces were to take over.

One of the first things that I noticed when I walked into the room was that on each table were little baskets containing various objects such as blocks, paper clips, marbles, and broken pencils. My sister explained that these were called "demo kits." The idea being that we would use these various objects to demonstrate the principles that we were studying. I thought, "Wow my first piece of 'tech.'"

Several minutes later the indoctrination supervisor "Gully" walked into the room and yelled, "ROLL CALL." He seemed so strict and rigid about the whole thing. It seemed kind of silly since there was only my sister and myself in the room. After roll call he said in a loud voice, "O.K. START."

He then called me up to his desk where he at once demanded to see my invoice. When he was satisfied that I was all paid up he had me work out an indoctrination schedule. I was then instructed to get out my course pack, take my seat at a table and start studying.

Each course pack contained the manual you needed to study along with a course checksheet. The checksheet was the complete list of all the things that you were supposed to be indoctrinated with on the course. It was a list of all the things that you needed to read along with all the drills and demos that you needed to do, ALL IN A SPECIFIC ORDER. I was never allowed to jump around.

The first course they had signed me up for was the "Communication Course." I say "they signed me up for" because I was NEVER allowed to decide want I WANTED to take. THEY always decided for me. It wasn't until several years later that I read where Hubbard said never let the person decide for themselves what to take, always TELL them what to take. I didn't know this or realize the significance of this fact until years later. Since there was no one in the room that could do the drills with me the supervisor switched me to the course "How to Improve Relationships with Others."

NOW I was ready to start learning "all the data that I needed to know in order to handle life."

While I was getting settled the supervisor came rushing over and said, "Here let me give you a target." He took my checksheet and then seemingly at random puts an arrow on one item and said, "There, that's your target for today." I thought, "How odd." At the time I was under the assumption that this was to be a self-paced, self-motivated course, now all of a sudden HE'S TELLING ME HOW FAST I SHOULD GO.

On later courses I was to learn that, besides being given a target to reach every day, we also had to keep track of our "student points." Student points were determined by such things as how many pages we "studied", how many words we "cleared", how many drills and "demos" we did or watched. At the end of the day we would have to plot on a graph on the wall how many points we made that day. This would remain on display for EVERYONE TO SEE. On the first couple of courses this was not required. I was later told that it was "out-gradient" on beginning courses. In time I was to learn that anything "out-gradient" meant "anything they didn't want me to know or even see."

In the manual we first went over the basics of how we were to study on the course. With the basics covered I then began to read my first real item on my checksheet. One of the first things I noticed was that I found Hubbard hard to understand. I've read many good authors before, they were very clear and easy to understand. It was like they were speaking directly to me and I could easily grasp what they were trying to communicate. Hubbard, on the other hand, I found very difficult to understand. He seemed to ramble on and on. I soon began asking myself, "What's his point here? What's he trying to say?"

Hubbard wasn't making much sense to me. I noticed that sometimes he would even contradict himself. I quickly went blank and became confused. If I remain confused very long I become frustrated. Because of this it was only natural for me to start asking questions. I wanted get some clarity in what I was reading, after all I was there to learn something practical, something useful. It was soon to become obvious to me that questions or opinions concerning $cientology were not tolerated. In $cientology all questions or points of disagreement are immediately deflected by a command from the indoctrination supervisor to "go back and clear up your misunderstood word." Without being able to ask questions, without being able to get into a discussion with anyone about what I was reading I soon began to feel like I was being spoon fed.

As I continued reading I would occasionally yawn. Every time I did the supervisor would come running over and ask me, "Where were you last reading." I would point to the spot and he would reply, "Which word did you go past that you didn't fully understand?" I would take a look and then tell him "there isn't one." He would then take my book (or whatever I was reading), choose a word at random and say, "What's the definition of the word 'the' (for example)." He would continue this until he selected a word that I couldn't quickly give a clean, clear-cut, "dictionary" definition to. Then he would say, "Clear your misunderstood word and then restudy this whole section." After being put through this mindless exercise a number of times I began to get annoyed. I finally said, "look, yawning is a natural reaction. It's caused by lack of sleep, lack of oxygen to the brain, boredom, lack of stimulation, even another person yawning. It has nothing to do with an MU (misunderstood word)." He totally ignored me. Instead he mechanically repeated, "Clear up your misunderstood word and then restudy this whole section." In time I learned (in this situation) that it was best to just stifle or hide any yawns that might try to surface.

To make things even worse occasionally he would come up to me and say, "Here let me give you a spot check." Then he would take whatever I was reading, pick out words at random and ask me for their definitions. If I couldn't immediately put one into words I'd have to stop whatever I was doing, clear the word and then restudy everything from that point on. Reading Hubbard was confusing enough but then to be constantly distracted by all that "word clearing." For me it made it nearly impossible to understand anything Hubbard was saying. By the end of the day I was totally confused and didn't have a clue what I had read. That's the result I got from applying Hubbard's study "tech". As I went along it never got any better, it only got worse. My frustrations and observations about the "tech" began to surface right from my first day in the indoctrination room.

Finally 6:00 P.M. arrived and the supervisor yells out, "ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT." I collected my belongings and walked downstairs to the bookstore lobby.

I waited in the lobby for my sister to get out of session (or wherever they had her). I was still a little frustrated by what had happened in the indoctrination room but was still excited about being in $cientology. While I was waiting I started talking to the bookstore officer "Laureli." I began to open up to her the way I had with my friends in Boulder Creek. She quickly changed the subject and said in a very enthusiastic voice, "Wayne I've got something to show you that I think you'll really be interested in." She brought me into the back room where she had an E-meter set up. She then went into this enthusiastic sales pitch about how I just NEEDED to have one of these things, that it would be so helpful for me in getting up the bridge. I became caught up in her enthusiasm and was interested in hearing what she had to say but I eventually told her that I didn't want to buy one just yet. After all I had just started $cientology a few days before. I wanted to take things one step at a time.

It was here that Amy walked into the room. I remember how when I saw her I got all excited and thought to myself, "Hey, here's my friend Amy. Here's my buddy coming to see how I'm doing." Laureli quickly left without saying a word. Amy took her place in front of me. I was all excited at seeing my new friend again.

She looked me square in the eyes and said, "Wayne, you OWE US another $625!"

I WAS STUNNED!

I said in complete disbelief, "WHAT? You told me just the other day that EVERYTHING here would only cost me $2,500." She suddenly changed her story and said, "Wayne that was just an estimate. In order for you to complete your program we need to have the money NOW! Do you have a credit card?" I was taken so off guard by this sudden turn of events. One minute I was laughing and joking around with Laureli thinking I was starting to get back the same thing that I had with my friends in Boulder Creek -- then POW! This was a knockout punch from out of the blue. I was dazed. My head went into a spin.

I felt VERY uncomfortable about what was happening. In my confusion I thought, "Maybe it WAS just an estimate the night before." I thought this even though I was ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that I had specifically asked her at least three separate times how much everything would cost me at their mission. I immediately thought about all the physical pain I was in and how much I wanted it all to go away. I thought, "If I don't pay her now I'll have to live with it forever. Maybe if I pay her 'this one LAST little bit' she'll never bother me again." These kinds of thoughts kept whirling through my head all the while she kept constantly badgering me with demands like, "Wayne just give me your credit card." "Wayne we need the money NOW, I can't hold this price for you any longer." "Wayne it's for your own good, I'm only trying to help you." "I'm only trying to get you what you said you wanted."

She had me isolated in their back room. I had no one to confer with. Eventually I caved in and handed over my credit card.

I walked out of that room completely numb wondering what had just happened. I walked out of that room beginning to wonder if $cientology was something different than what they were telling me.