by Bonnie Britton in The Indianapolis Star May 12,2000

Dear Mr. Travolta: Fire whoever persuaded you to make Battlefield Earth (zero stars).

Oh. It was your (ital.) idea.

This sci-fi nightmare, based on Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard's 1982 best-seller and set in the year 3000, deserves to be slapped with a triple S warning: stupifying, stultifying and soporific.

This is one movie that's so bad... it's bad.

Most of the cheesy flicks heckled by the robots on Mystery Science Theater 3000 have been better.

Plan 9 From Outer Space director Ed Wood is clawing his way out of the grave. With money that went into Battlefield, he could make a better movie. Kevin costner is congratulating himself for Waterworld.

Some of Battlefield Earth's dialogue goes like this.

John Travolta, as the alien Terl- "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA"

Forest Whitaker, as the alien Ker- "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA"

So, you're starting to get the picture?

Director Roger Christian (Masterminds, second unit work on Star wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace) is so intent on pushing every frome into a wierd angle thst he forgets to pay attention to the senseless, witless screenplay, penned by Corey Mandell.

Those neck-whipping angles combine the tilt of Titanic and a bad episode of Star Trek. Overuse of slow motion adds unintentional camp. Christian takes every oppertunity to cut away, to make choppy edits and to add confusion to the fighting scenes.

Travolta, in dirty dreadlocks, Munster boots that make him look 9 feet tall, bad teeth and grotesque hands and fingernails. plays the security chief of the Psychlos, a vicious bunch of aliens who wiped out Earth's defenses in nine minutes. Travolta planned way-back when to play a main human. but his age and expanding waistline got in the way.

COMEBACK CANCELLED

This movie. and Travolta's over-the-top. way-beyond-campy performance, wipes out the comeback he's made in the past years. Whitaker nearly matches his laughable ineptness.

When the aliens invaded Earth over 1,000 years ago, only small pockets of humans remained, scattered across the land in hiding, or enslaved by the Psychlos. The Psychlos call them "man-animals" and use them to mine minerals.

Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper, who makes an effort to surmount bad material), is a human hunter captured and forced to work for the Psychlos. but instead becomes the leader of a revolt.

Before he canhelp his fellow humans make a run for it, he is identified as smart and tapped bu Terl to learn the Psychlos language and other useful stuff, like how to pilot the Psychlos' equivalent of a helicopter.

For reasons that aren't always clear, unless filmmakers viewed running as a way to eat up some screen time, Jonnie does a lot of running, which gives Christian the chance to show off some stolen bullet-time technology a la The Matrix

INEPT BORROWING

That's not the only film from which Battlefield borrows poorly. Westerns, The Planet of the Apes and an ending that's straight from Raders of the Lost Ark are just a few of the sources.

Heaven help us. A sequel is in the works.

Elia Cmiral's score is intrusive, overblown, self-important and incessantly loud.

The two women in the film are limited to a few lines. Kelly Preston, Travolta's wife, with a bald spot that extends to the middle of her elongated head, unfurls a tongue that rivals Jim Carrey's in The Mask.

Wedding vows say love, honor and obey. But this is asking too muck.

NASTY AMBIANCE

There's really nothing good to say about Battlefield Earth. Patrick Tatopoulos, the production designer has created a world that's ugly, murky, green, gray or purple-tinged and dark. Matte paintings used in backgrounds look like bad matte paintings. The aliens and humans wear breathing strings that hang down like braided nostril-hair.

The clearest, cleanest segment appears to lay the groundwork for a video game

While the Psychlos are supposed to be a highly intelligent alien race they register somewhere in the Stooges range on the Smart-O-Meter [E-meter? ^_^ MH]

SECONDS, ANYONE?

When a starving man eats a rat Terl decides this is a human delicacy. And when Jonnie brings gold from Fort Knox, all neatly made up in bars, instead of presenting Terl with gpld ore, Terl assumes the humans have too much time on their hands if they've had the opportunity to refine the gold.

After hearing the Psychlos' version of swearing, you'll swear that Mandell saw too many episodes of South Park before be started writing.

Should you see Battlefield Earth? Only if you're planning to commit a major crime and are looking for an alibi.

Like temporary insanity.