Anonymous asked this question on 5/2/2000:

Hi,

I am 26 yrs old and I am feeling severely depressed for several reasons. I broke up with my girlfriend last year and I feel that I have hurt her badly, but I really don't think she was right for me (as in building a future, marriage, etc).

It was a shock because we dated for 6 yrs, and I knew she wasn't "right" for quite some time and kept postponing breaking up our relationship. She is a very nice girl and at least I didn't "dump" her for another or anything. I'm still not seeing anyone and I think that she knows this. I don't want to hurt her but I also don't want to give her false hopes by calling and writing; but by not doing so I fear she must think I am extremely mean and that I don't care for her. It was somehow expected that we would marry after all that time and maybe I'm just not up to that.

Another reason I am depressed is that I have a Business Administration degree (and have had an excellent education) and I feel I have a pretty lousy job. I often reply to ads and go to interviews but I don't have much success with these. I feel that I'm "stuck" professionally. I work many hours and I feel that I don't have enough free time to enjoy. I am constantly stressed.

Also, my family was quite wealthy once but now my parents are almost broke and I worry for them. I would like to help them out and perhaps open a shop with them (we could borrow the money from rich relatives) but I feel that I need my independence as well, and that if I worked in a shop FOR them then I would never really be independent! I love them very much and seem to care for them more than my sisters! I have been thinking of how it would be to leave my job and do the shop thing, but I fear that then I really would not progress in any career (I always had an idea that I would make it big!)

I am also afraid I've messed up my reputation by doing something very stupid (didn't harm anyone or anything like that...more like made a fool out of myself), word gets around, and I don't know how to recover from that incident. I feel that every body knows what happened or at least notices that my behaviour has changed since then (by being so paranoid perhaps?).

I don't have any friends and my friends live 200 miles away! I took my degree in another city (made friends there) and have moved back to live with my parents a year after graduation. I have lost contact with past friends or found that we have different interests now.

And oh yes, I recently discovered that I have male pattern baldness (balding) and I am going quite fat (slacking). I plan to start exercising but keep on postponing it!

Lately I may be drinking slightly too much (I've always liked drinking...sometimes I would exaggerate when I would go out.but it never REALLY got out of hand otherwise).

As you can see, plenty of reasons to be depressed!

I think I may be coping quite well actually, considering. This could be due to a strong character (never have been the depressed type, rather the contrary) but even so it's really starting to put a strain on me. I also live in a sunny country, which helps. I am constantly thinking of how shitty my life has become and have troubles sleeping properly at night (which doesn't help at work!).

A handful!

Thanks to anyone who cares to give me his or her views!

Imagika gave this response on 5/2/2000:

Wow! You certainly DO have a lot on your plate right now! And I would say that you are coping very well all things considered. Let's take this problem by problem:

First problem : Breaking up with your girlfriend:

I think that you would feel better writing her a letter just to let her know that you're sorry that you hurt her. I've recently gotten back in touch with one of my ex-boyfriends who dumped me when he "got cool" and it hasn't given me any false hopes. I think it would be a cathartic exercise for you to just get it out in the open. It will relieve the guilt that you feel over the break-up, and give both of you closure. Is it possible that you postponed breaking it off with her because the relationship was "safe"? That you didn't want to venture out there and see what else was there was outside of your safety net?

Problem 2:Career: Let's face it, no one really likes their job. This one gets a little trickier, because any choice you make will ultimately change your whole life, either for better or worse. Just remember that whatever path you choose will never be set in stone. Is it just your JOB that is lousy or is it your FIELD? If it's just the job... keep interviewing! I know that sometimes it seems hopeless, and every rejection feels like "I'm going to be stuck in this job forever," but don't give up. There is a job out there that will satisfy you and give you the money you want/deserve. Even if it is something outside of your field. My background is in Psychology, I'm working in a bank and loving it! It's something to think about. Set a goal chart for yourself.. write down where you want to be in six months, then one year, then two years. Never make your goal list for more than 5 years because then the goals seem too far away and unattainable. Sometimes just writing down what you want to do or be makes it easier to actually accomplish those things. Problem 3: Your parents: There really isn't anything that you can do to fix their situation. I know that it hurts to watch them struggle, but you are not in a position to support them. If y9ou were to open a shop with them, could it be more of an equal partnership so you don't feel like your working FOR them, but working WITH them? I'm not sure about quitting your job to do this (if you do decide to do it), perhaps you could take a temporary leave of absence from your job to help get the shop off the ground (and while you're doing that you can be looking for employment elsewhere!). Just a suggesstion :)

Problem 4: Reputation: If you just made a fool of yourself... it will pass over in time. People would remember more if some bad consequence came from it, but if it was just a silly thing, most people will forget soon enough (just don't remind anyone!)

Problem 5: Friends: This one is also interesting... you just need to get out there and meet some people. Find one person at your job you get along with, invite him or her out for a beer, make friends with them and their friends and branch out from there. It's also a good way to network for a new job!

Problem 6: Weight and Hair Loss: Not much I can do here. I think you'll feel better when you exercise... even if you just go for a walk after work... physical activity will improve your mood! Baldness... talk to your doctor about the options you have for hair restoration.

Problem 7: Drinking: Alcohol is a depressant and it gets you a hangover (plus it's wasted calories which won't help your weight gain problem!) Cool it on the booze... it's only going to make matters worse.

All in all... you need to make some positive changes in your life and you need to make decisions. Part of why you can't sleep at night is because your brain is still very active (subconsciouly) trying to figure out what you should do. Make your decisions. Do what you need to do. Everything will fall into place sooner or later.

Take care and let me know if I can be of any further assistance :)

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