Anonymous asked this question on 7/6/2000:
I am not currently in a relationship, but I just go out of a longterm relationship which ended in complete turmoil, leaving me with feeling of heart break and betrayal. For the most part I am over the whole situation, it's been about seven months since everything happened and I began to go on with my life and see other people. Now I find myself giving people too much distance because I am scared of getting hurt again. I'm not looking for an instant relationship but I would like a strong friendship that may build over time. How do I know if I'm prepared, or how do I avoid being parnoid that everyman will hurt me or preventing myself from having a silent hate for men. I love men and I want to be happy with them but it's hard. I can't blame a man for my feeling because generally It's something I have to deal with. So what do I do. How do I let go a little bit without making myself vulnerable.
Confused/scared
eneri gave this response on 7/10/2000:
Hi, I can hear the anquish you are going through. Ouch. Recovering from a broken relationship is one of the most difficult things we are faced with in life. It takes a long time to heal and is different with every person.
It makes sense to me to relate a broken heart with a broken leg. When you break your leg the first few days, even weeks, are absolute agony, but we know deep down that the pain will lessen in time. The moment finally comes and we have the cast removed, but it is still very tender and you can't do all the things you used to do right away. If the break was a very bad break, it may be tender for years or even forever, so you treat it with respect and care for it tenderly.
Why would we treat a broken heart any differently? Your story sounds like the cast has been removed but it still hurts to step out. That is okay. Go easy on yourself and acknowledge that you are not completely healed. Step out carefully and if it hurts, back off gently until you feel stronger.
When you meet someone, tell yourself you will not know for weeks/months if he is okay for you and pace yourself accordingly. Pay close attention to your feelings. If a bad or scary feeling comes up, look at it closely, even write it down and ask yourself what it is all about.
If you have doubts about him, ask questions and if it still doesn't feel right, ask more questions. If he is reluctant, or annoyed at your questions, this is part of your answer. If he doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated...acknowlege it to yourself and let him go. It is up to YOU to take care of you. If you got a meal that you didn't order in a restaurant you would send it back.
A friend of mine belongs to a religious faith that believes a person should go through a full "year of patience" following a break up. That is - no dating at all for a full year! Time to get in touch with what you want and what you like to do...what makes you happy, etc.
You are in my heart, because I know how it feels. I am going through the same disappointment as you are right now, only it has only been 3 weeks for me. I still hurt very badly and I am giving myself the same talk as I have just given you and I pray that I have the patience to allow myself to heal and to remember that I will be sore for a long, long time.
Bless you and the best of everything to you.
You deserve the best......don't settle for less!!
eneri gave this follow-up answer on 7/11/2000:
Thank you back. I appreciate you caring about me too and praying for me. Open your arms wide to receive all the blessing that are yours!
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