Anonymous asked this question on 7/10/2000:
I'm 24 and my boyfriend is 29. We've been dating for a little over a year and plan to get married. We've been friends for 10 years, and dated very briefly when I was 16 (he broke my heart pretty bad).
now that you know the background, here is the problem. I found out a couple days ago that he "made out" with 2 girls at the same time. I've met them before, and it's possible that'll meet them again. I think if it didn't happen in a public place, that it would have gone further.
I'll make it clear that we weren't dating at the time, just friends. I can't figure out why it bothers me so much. He's a great guy, and claims that he couldn't have sex with someone without there being emotion involved. This just seems to uncharacteristic(?) of him.
Why does this bother me so much and how can I get over it?
shrink4u gave this response on 7/10/2000:
Dear Anonymous,
It sounds to me like you have a great relationship going on. I do understand your concern, but I'm not sure why you would believe RUMORS about the man you intend to marry (& trust for a lifetime), and someone you've been friends with for ten years! You probably know him as well or better than anyone!
I think it's important for you to focus on "today." If you and he are happy, enjoy the time you spend together, and are ready to make a major commitment to each other, that's all that really matters. Sometimes fears about the past and the future can get in the way of fully enjoying what we have each and every minute of today. (I know I've made those mistakes in the past, and hope I've learned from them now.)
One of my favorite expressions may explain what I'm trying to say a little better: "Yesterday's history; tomorrow's a mystery; that's why today is called The Present." You don't have any control over what's happened in the past, so why waste energy and time worrying about it? Try to enjoy the "present" you have with your boyfriend. Also try not to let your fears about the past and/or the future interfere with what you two have found in each other right now.
If what you've heard about his past continues to bother you, you might simply honestly ask him about the rumors you've heard, or he may volunteer the information. Honest and open communication of this kind is essential to any longh-term, happy, successful relationship. Mutual trust and respect are other essentials, in my opinion. Let yourself trust your boyfriend!
I wish you the very, very best with your boyfriend and future marriage! My sense is that if you try to stay focused on the wonderful "positives" you've found in this man (as opposed to rumors by others), everything will work out for the best - for BOTH of you!! Take care!
Much love, Mary
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