liquidfemale asked this question on 7/10/2000:

OK, I am a 23 year old female. I've been dating and such since at least age 16, lost my virginity at 19 but was sexual since 16. My male friend for about a decade now told me something recently that I really want to find out if he's right about. He has been right about me in the past so I'm taking it seriously. He told me that the guys I'm attracted to are a$$holes and I only go after them because I want to be challenged. He told me this after I was complaining to him about guys I've gone out with one night (really sensitive of me huh?) I don't have any interest in my friend, he's too much like a brother, but he seems so rare. He's smart, VERY attractive and super-nice. Not very social though, he reads a lot and likes to stay at home. I don't think he is attracted to me either.

Anyhow, I am attractive and tall and probably intimidating to some guys. So I was thinking that maybe confidence and a$$holes go hand in hand. I know it must take confidence to come up and talk to me so maybe it's not that I look for a$$holes. Maybe it's that only confident guys can approach me, and they are all a$$holes. What do you think about that?

Furthermore, my friend and I went in search of a "nice guy" one day. We went to talk to the bookworms at our college and the guys who sign up for community service and stuff. And I'll tell you a lot of them are just dorks. One of them kept writing all over himself because he was fidgiting with his pen and stuff.

SO, I want to know how guys grow up to be what they are. Why do some of them grow up to be confident and competent and charming but also untrustworthy and just mean. And a lot of the guys who grow up to be sensitive to people and might be trustworthy and such are just socially inept and sometimes smell. My friend says that it's partly the fault of the way women treat men and what they expect men to fulfill for them. Like strength and such. I'll admit that has to be somewhat true, but it can't be all.

So explain guys to me please, please, please.

Oh yeah, and don't try telling me I have self esteem problems. Those a$$holes go out as fast as they came in when they start showing their true colors and I'm a pretty happy person. I just would like to find someone who is: attractive, strong, trustworthy, nice, socially adept and smart. And I'd like to know why some of these seem to conradict each other.

=)

Thanks in advance.

tink1972 gave this response on 7/10/2000:

Good question! This question has surfaced on the board many times. let me give you the best answer I have from my experiences throughout the years.

As far as your first paragraph, dating the assholes, its not that you set out to find the first a$$hole that you see, its just that men are so good at putting on facades! Let's clear that up. For some women this may be a challenge for them if they stay with the a$$hole. Because its constant drama and some women love drama (known fact)! Whereas, the more calm, gentleman type fellow who aims to please is rather boring because, he aims to please his woman.

Some men may argue that that lies within women, that they are not use to men treating them like the ladies that we are, so they rather date that a$$hole. I agree a little-i know a few of those women.

Second paragraph, confidence doesn't go hand in hand with being ignorant (a$$hole). Some men don't no any limits-bottomline. Those men we call "to the extreme men". However, for any man approaching a attractive woman is sort of difficult but this problem can be easily solved by just making yourself accessible for a man to approach you (friendly demeanor).

Third paragraph, a nice guy doesn't necessarily have to be a nerd! When I was dating (currently in a relationship of 2 years), I defined a man who was worth dating by the way my brother and father treated me. By that, if he couldn't give me equal or greater respect as them two then my attitude was forget you, I don't need you-NEXT! Because I am also very attractive and confident, and so I wasn't settling for any bullcrap. I have zero tolerance for BS!

Fourth paragraph, guys turn out like that for number of reasons, my best guesses are (1) their fathers were a$$holes-so its genetic, (2)a woman scorned them and for some men it only takes one woman to do them wrong then they're no good to the rest of the world, (3)they really don't like you and want to get out and being an a$$hole is their only way, and last but not least (4)men act like a$$holes because they have treated every woman they've dealt with this way and the rest of them never complained so they think this is the way to go.

As for finding that great guy who is fun, humorous, successful and respectful that is something that you will have to pray for because nowadays they are not producing these men like they use to!

It is hard to find that one good man! Usually someother woman beat you to him :)But, nevertheless, I wish you the best!

liquidfemale asked this follow-up question on 7/10/2000:

OK, cool.

You're pretty intelligent.

If the kind of guy I am looking for (with ALL of those qualities) are SO rare and hard to find. Then do you think I should try dating my friend. Who has all of those qualities except one. HE is Super-smart and super-super-attractive and totally trustworthy and totally nice and single right now. Not gay either. The only thing he's missing is that he doesn't go out and have fun much. Which I like to do a lot. I don't think about him that way though. but if he's as rare as you say then maybe I should get him before another woman beats me to him.

tink1972 gave this response on 7/10/2000:

I know its a scary thought-the shortage of good men-but you don't want to do anything drastic!

You admitted to not having intimate feelings for your best friend, so why would you jeopardize your friendship with him by starting a relationship that is defeated before it even starts. If someone gets him then prayerfully it'll be someone for him that will love and respect him.

You, Missy, have to be patient and get out their and use every female ability you possess to find that man that is good to you. No one said it would be easy and no one said that he'll come after night!

But, don't try to snatch up your buddy when you know good in well, you don't want him like that. now, that's being what you have mentioned throughout this question (a$$hole) :)!

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